


Five go to the Chalet School

by LadyEleanor456



Category: Chalet School - Elinor M. Brent-Dyer, Famous Five - Enid Blyton
Genre: Community: Lime Green Musing, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:22:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25319737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyEleanor456/pseuds/LadyEleanor456
Summary: Originally posted on the CBB/ SDL
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

"George! George!", Anne ran down the corridor of her school looking for her cousin Georgina. She turned the corner and ran out to the kennels. There, unsurprisingly was her cousin, wrapped around Timmy the dog.

"What are you doing out here?" asked Anne.

"The Headmistress has banned Timmy from the school again," replied George.

"Why? What happened?"

"He chewed up Cooks slippers, and then ate all the steaks for lunch," said George sadly, "She's threatening to send him home."

"Oh George!" said Anne in dismay, "School without Timmy would be horrid."

"Wuff," agreed Timmy.

"Whats that in your hand?" asked George changing the subject.

"A letter from Mother, she hasn't been feeling too well, so father is taking her round the world on a cruise for two years. Julian, Dick and I are going to live at Kirrin Cottage with you in the holidays!"

"Spiffing!" cried George.

At that moment a bell rang, summoning the girls into the school.

"I say, what's going on?" George asked a passing prefect.

"The headmistress wishes to speak to us in the hall," was the reply.

George looked at Anne, "I wonder what about?" she said.

The girls hurried into the hall where, on the platform was a very stern looking headmistress.

"Girls," she said sternly, there was a loud cough, "Girls and George," she said with a sigh, "I have some bad news, there has been a outbreak of chicken pox amongst the lower third and I am afraid you must all be returned to your homes at once for fear of infection. Please go and pack immediately."

"Gosh!" said Anne, as she hurried off to pack, "What will Julian and Dick say?" At that moment, a passing girl handed Anne a letter, "Jolly good!" exclaimed Anne, "this is a letter from Julian!"

"What does he say?" asked George, "Does he mention Timmy?"

"What splendid news!" cried Anne, "Julian and Dick's school has to be shut down because of a syphilis epidemic! They are going to join us at Kirrin Cottage!"

"What's syphilis?" asked George.

"I don't know," said Anne, "But Julian says only boys can get it."

"I wish I was a boy!" said George crossly.

Luckily for the Five, Gaylands School allowed George and Anne to leave the school on their bikes in order to meet Julian and Dick at a random railway station in the middle of nowhere. After a rapturous reunion the five cousins and Timmy boarded the train to Kirrin.

"I say George," said Julian, "Try to keep Timmy in the carriage, we don't want anymore smuts in his eyes."

"What did Aunt Fanny say when she heard we were all coming?" asked Dick as George pulled Timmy's head back into the carriage.

"I have her letter here," replied George, "She is pleased we are coming and Joanna the cook is making lots of buns for us to eat, there are lashings of tomatoes in the garden, and Father is working on a top secret project and so we need to be very quiet."

"It is very difficult having a top scientist for an uncle," said Dick.

"Just so long as he doesn't interfere with our adventures," said George scowling.

"Wuff!" barked Timmy, falling back into the carriage with a cinder in his eye.

The train finally arrived at Kirrin station, and the five tumbled out, leaving their luggage to be brought to Kirrin cottage by the aged porter. The leapt on their bikes and set off happily.

"There's my island!" cried George.

"Our Island!" said Anne.

The flung open the gate to Kirrin Cottage and charged down the path.

"Mother! Mother! We are home!" cried George flinging open the door.

"Hello George dear!" said Aunt Fanny, "How lovely to see you, but please keep your voice down, your father is doing some very important work in his study."

Suddenly the study door flew open, and a furious Uncle Quentin emerged, "What is all this noise? Doors banging? People shouting! Dogs barking! Fanny! What on earth is going on? I am trying to do work of national importance with Commander Christie, and we are being disturbed by the continual noise!"

"Quentin dear, the children have just arrived from school," pacified Aunt Fanny.

"What? Why? It can't be the holidays yet?" said Uncle Quentin.

"I explained all this to you at breakfast," said Aunt Fanny, "The schools have had to close and the children have come here."

"Well, can't you find new schools for them?"

"What?" cried the four children.

"Woof!" said Timmy.

"Where could I find new schools at this short notice?" asked Aunt Fanny.

There was a cough from the study.


	2. Chapter 2

Two days later, Anne, Julian and Dick were walking along the beach looking for George. Eventually they found her, in amongst the rocks, Timmy sitting close by her side.

"I say George old thing..." began Julian.

"Oh go away," said George.

"No, you must listen to me," said Julian in his most forceful manner.

"Why?" yelled George, "It's alright for you and Dick, you don't have to go to some footling school, you get to go camping! I hate Commander Christy. Why did he have to mention the stupid Chalet School to father?"

"Now then George," said Dick, "Your behaving like a girl, and a silly girl at that, you don't see Anne behaving like this."

"Don't patronize me Dick!" cried George leaping up, "I'll... I'll hit you!"

"No you won't," said Julian, "Girls don't fight!"

"I will!" yelled George.

"George, you are scaring Timmy," said Anne reasonably.

"Oh Timmy, I'm sorry," said George, and against all her principles she burst into tears.

"Oh George," said Anne, reaching out to her cousin, "it won't be that bad, after all, you liked Gaylands once you had been there a while."

"Yes," sobbed George, "But Gaylands let me take Timmy!"

"Gosh!" said Julian, "Doesn't the Chalet School take dogs?"

"Commander Christy said no dogs are allowed on the island!"

"Don't worry George, he can come camping with us," said Dick consolingly.

"And now," said Anne, "We have to go and try on our new uniforms."

"I like it," said Anne, admiring herself in the mirror.

George scowled, "I hate it," she said.

"It looks very nice on you," said Aunt Fanny, and indeed George did look very nice.

"I think it looks rather nice too," said Dick a little petulantly.

"You can try it on if you really want," snapped George.

"Can I?" asked Dick eagerly.

"What?" said Aunt Fanny in surprise.

"Oh, nothing," said Dick hurriedly.

"We will come with you to the station tomorrow," said Julian, glaring at Dick.

"Don't worry about Timmy," said Julian in his most patronising tone the next day, "He'll have a lovely time camping with Dick and I."

George took no notice of Julian, and continued to hug Timmy, getting fur all over her new school uniform. "Where are you going to camp?" asked Anne, trying to prevent Julian from any more pomposity.

"We thought the south west of Wales," said Julian, falling into the cunning trap set by Anne, "There are some very nice islands round there and I thought Dick would benefit from the fresh air an exercise." 

The whistle blew, Anne jumped into the train. Julian removed George from Timmy and pushed her in.

"Have fun at the Chalet School! I wish I was going!" cried Dick.

"Be a good girl Anne!" said Julian.

The train left the station, and Anne and George were off the the Chalet School at last. 

"Goodbye Timmy! Goodbye Timmy!" George lent out of the window waving desperately at Timmy as the train left the platform. Eventually Anne hauled her in to the corridor, much to George's surprise.

"Come on," said Anne, "We had better find a seat."

They eventually found an empty carriage and sat down. George, still covered in dog hair, slumped in a corner, not caring that her new uniform was getting all crumpled.

"It's not fair!" she complained, "Why do Dick and Julian get to camping, and we have to go to school?!"

"Well, they are boys," offered Anne tentatively.

"I'm as good as a boy!" shouted George, "I hate Commander Christie! Just because there is a stupid school on his stupid island!" She did not notice the suspicious figure which paused momentarily outside the carriage door, then moved off rapidly as the train pulled into the next station.

The door to their carriage swung open, "Hello! More new girls!" said a voice. Anne and George swung round and saw two girls, one with short bobbed hair and glasses, and the other, a dainty looking girl with blue eyes, and curly blond hair, "Are you coming to the Chalet School too?" Behind them was a third girl, looking very uncomfortable.

"May we join you?" asked the girl with the bob.

"Of course," said Anne, staring at the third girl, there was something familiar about her, but she couldn't place what. George continued to glare out of the window.

"My name's Elfie Woodward," said the blond girl, "This is Bride Bettany, we are both old girls of the school, and this," she indicated the third person dressed in a mish mash of uniform that looked as if it had been pulled rapidly out of several different school trunks, "is Dick."

"Dick?" said Anne, her eyes widening as she took in the form of her brother in his borrowed uniform.

"It's er, short for er..." but before Dick could finish, the carriage door swung open, to reveal an enraged Julian, who seized Dick, dragged him out of the carriage.

"How odd!" said Bride, "Did you know them?"

"No," said Anne hurriedly.

"What are your names?" asked Elfie, settling down.

"I'm Anne Kirrin, and this is my cousin Georgina Kirrin, although she prefers to be know as George," said Anne, "she wants to be a boy."

"You should meet Tom Gay!" responded Bride, "She practically is a boy."

"Did you hear that George?" asked Anne. George took no notice and continued to glare out of the window.

Bride raised her eyes in surprise.

"George doesn't want to go to school," said Anne to explain George's rudeness, "She wanted to go camping with my brothers. Their school was closed too."

"Well it does seem a bit unfair," said Bride sympathetically, "But at least you are coming to the Chalet School!"

"Tell us about the Chalet School," Anne asked eagerly.

Bride smiled at her, she liked the look of Anne, although she was not so sure of George. Between them, Elfie and Bride gave a potted history of the Chalet School, which Anne listened to, and George pretended not too.

Finally they arrived at Bristol, where they met the rest of the school. Bride and Elfie were immediately seized upon by a tall, boyish individual, demanding to know why they had been on a different train from normal. As Bride explained, Anne looked with interest at the girl, she saw that the girl had cropped hair, like George, grey eyes in a tanned skin. She was plain, but had a square jawed, snub nosed and a good humoured face.

Suddenly, Bride turned and called Anne and George over, "Sorry," she said, "I didn't mean to neglect you, this is Tom Gay!"

"Tom?" snapped George, "What's that short for? Thomasina I suppose!"

"No," said Tom politely, "Something completely different."

"Something stupid I suppose," said George.

Suddenly a tall senior appeared, "Hurry up, and get on the train! Miss Slater is looking daggers at you!"

"Sorry Dickie," said Bride.

"Dickie?" said George.

None of them noticed the strange man, hiding behind some luggage watching them intently.

"It's funny," said Bride after they had climbed onto the train, "but that new girl, who disappeared, had a similar name to Dickie."

George took no notice, and Anne decided to say nothing.

"I wonder where she went?" added Elfie.

"Let's ask Bill when we get to school," replied Bride.

"Who?" asked George. But before Bride could reply, the carriage door slid open, and a sinister figure entered.

"Do you mind if I join you?" asked the sinister figure.

"Um, no, I suppose not," replied Bride.

The person looked around them, and fixed their eyes on Tom, who wriggled under the intense stare. With a complete stranger in the carriage with them, talk died away.

Tom and Bride exchanged glances, the intense stare of the stranger was beginning to worry them. Finally when Bride thought she might scream, the stranger spoke.

"Hello young man," he said looking at Tom.

"Um, I'm not a boy, I'm a girl," replied Tom.

"Really?" said the stranger in surprise, he got up and walked out rapidly.

"What?" said Elfie, good manners forgotten in shock.

"No idea," said Bride, "Anne?"

Anne shrugged, she looked at George who was staring at Tom with utter scorn written across her features.

"What?" said Tom, who was beginning to get irritated by people staring at her intensely.

"Someone thinks you are a boy, and you tell them you're a girl! You are a stupid girl Thomasina" she spat.

"I told you my name isn't Thomasina," replied Tom calmly.

"What else could it be?" spat George.

Suddenly the carriage door opened, and in walked the stranger, this time wearing a hat. He sat down, and fixed George with an intense stare.

"Hello, young man," said the stranger, ignoring the fact that George, like all the other occupants of the carriage was wearing a gymslip.

"Hello," replied George, beaming at being taken for a boy.

"You were just in here a minute ago," interrupted Bride.

"No I wasn't," replied the stranger.

"Yes, you were," said Tom, "But this time you are wearing a hat!"

"That wasn't me!"

"Yes, it was."

The stranger hurriedly left the carriage again.

"Why did you do that Thomasina?" demanded George.

"It doesn't matter," said Bride, "We are here!"


	3. Chapter 3

"Now we catch the boat to the Island!" said Bride happily. She took Anne by the arm and led the way.

"Who is that?" asked Anne pointing to a wizened old figure sitting on the dock.

"That's Ebeneezer Biggle," replied Bride, "He has lots of stories about St Brivals, we sometimes talk to him when we come to Carnbach to do some shopping."

"Look Bride," cried Elfie, "There is that suspicious looking man again, and he is with another suspicious looking man!"

The girls turned to look, and indeed there were now two suspicious looking figures. Ebeneezer Biggle had heard Elfie, and turned to look also. To the girls surprise he spat towards the figures, and then stomped off to his cottage.

"How odd!" said Tom.

"Not as odd as those new girls over there!" said Bride, "Hang on, that's Dick! The new girl who vanished on the train, but who is that with her?"

Luckily they heard the other new girl introduce herself to Dickie Christie as Juliana.

As it was beginning to get dark the girls hurried onto the boat, George pushing her way to the side to gaze at the dark waters, and Anne to get as close to Julian and Dick in an effort to find out what on earth they were doing. Bride, Tom and Elfie had followed George and were also gazing across the water. Suddenly Tom spotted a dark shape in the water which seemed to be keeping up with the boat. She pointed it out to the others.

"Look," she said, "Can you see that?" But before the others could look, George jumped up, knocking Tom to the floor.

"There is nothing there," George said furiously.

Bride and Elfie hauled Tom to her feet, the three of them stared at George.

"I have to tell you," said Bride politely, "That the school puts every penny on politeness, and so far you have been very rude."

"And if you keep on like this you will come to the attention of the prefects," added Elfie, "which, I can tell, you is not nice."

"So far you have really not shown yourself to be a gentleman," added Tom.

"Bosh!" shouted George, "I'm a better boy than you any day Thomasina!"

At that point Peggy Bettany walked over to see what all the fuss was about, she brought with her the tall new girl, Juliana.

Peggy opened her mouth to reprimand the girls, but she was beaten to it by Juliana.

"Look here," she said, in a surprisingly deep and masculine voice, "Stop doing that, you are girls, and girls don't fight."

Tom scrambled to her feet, and reached out a hand to help George up. George ignored the hand, and glared at Juliana, "I can fight," she said, "I'm as good as a boy any day!"

"Excuse me," said Peggy politely to Juliana, "But as Head Girl, I am going to deal with this."

"Of course," replied Juliana in her deep voice, "I just thought that I might be able to deal with a better, being a ..." she trailed off hurriedly.

"Thanks," said Peggy, "But I can cope."

"Well, if you are sure," said Juliana.

"Who does she think she is?" piped up a voice, "Does she think Peggy can't cope? Who on earth does she think she is?"

As Peggy reduced Bride and co. to a proper sense of their own sinfullness, Julian took it upon himself to chastise Mary-Lou for her comments about him.

"Now look here little girl," he said, "You have no right to comment like that!"

"Why not?" asked Mary-Lou, "After all, Peggy is head girl, and you are just a new... girl?"

"Little girls should be seen, and not heard," continued Julian, "If you grow up making personal comments about people you have never met, you will not make a good wife!"

"I'm not going to get married," replied Mary-Lou, "I am going to be an explorer, like my father was."

"Of course you are going to get married," said Julian in surprise, "That's what all girls want, isn't it Anne?" He turned to his sister.

"Do you know each other?" asked Mary-Lou.

"Of course, she's my sister," said Julian, "And all she wants from life is to become a good wife, and keep house for her husband, isn't that true Anne?"

"Um, well..." said Anne, trying to avoid the looks of surprise on her traveling companions faces.

"See!" said Julian, he turned to Mary-Lou "Now you be quiet like a good little girl."

Mary-Lou raised her eyebrows. She had not taken a liking to Juliana. Rather than reply she gave Julian a fierce glare and swung her umbrella thoughtfully. The boat was just reaching the little harbour and the girls were preparing to disembark. Juliana was stood behind Mary-Lou as she continued to swing her umbrella. The boat bumped slightly against the quayside, knocking Mary-Lou off balance. The umbrella swung wildly, catching Juliana at about groin level. He went down like a felled ox.

"That's never happened before!" said Mary-Lou staring at her umbrella in surprise.

"I think I had better take her to Matron," said Peggy, "Dickie? Will you help me?" The helped Julian (who had now turned a delicate shade of green) to his feet. Neither noticed the dark, hairy shape, which leapt out of the water and began following the girls to the school. George smiled for the first time that day.

Having finally got Juliana up to the school, Peggy and Dickie handed him over to the tender mercies of Matron. Matron eyed him with professional interest as Peggy explained what had happened.

"Hot milk and bed I think," said Matron.

"My good woman," replied Julian sternly, "I have a hearty dislike of hot milk, so shall not be drinking it. Lashings of ginger beer would do me much more good!"

"Don't be silly!" retorted Matron, "You're very pale and clammy and hot milk is just the thing for you young lady."

"Is that a medical diagnosis? Are you a qualified doctor?" demanded Julian.

Matron glared at him. Stronger people that Julian had wilted under that glare, "If you don't drink your hot milk," she said, "I shall hold your nose and make you!"

"You will do no such thing!" blustered Julian.

Matron proved that she would, and Julian was finally sent off to bed heartily wishing that Dick had never developed a passion for the Chalet School.

Dick meanwhile was having a whale of a time. He had unpacked his clothes, and arranged his cubical. He was just wrestling with the problem of his liberty bodice when a loud scream rent the air. The dormitory fell silent, and another scream issued forth.


	4. Chapter 4

"Does anyone think there is anything odd about those new girls?" asked Matron, as she sipped at a gin and tonic in the staffroom.

"Juliana, Dickina, George and Anne?" replied Hilda, lighting a cigar carefully.

"Yes, them. I had to dose Juliana, she has some very strange appendages for a girl," said Matron.

"How odd?" asked Nell, who was simply swigging the gin directly from the bottle.

"Well, when I grabbed her, to dose her, she screamed in a very odd manner."

"Remind me," said Mdlle, as she distilled more moonshine from her famed still, "You failed O'level biology, oui?"

"What are you implying?" demanded Matron.

"Juliana is clearly a boy," replied Mdlle.

"Not again!" groaned Hilda.

"Again?" said Matron.

"Remember Marilyn?" said Hilda.

"Yes," answered Matron, "She was the one who made such a poor job of being head girl."

"That's because she was a boy," hiccuped Nell.

"Really?" said Matron in surprise.

"Have you even looked at those textbooks I lent you?" demanded Nell.

Suddenly they were interrupted by a loud scream!

Silence fell in the staffroom. Nell paused with the gin bottle half raised, Hilda stopped sucking on her cigar, there was an expectant silence. A second scream rang out. Everyone breathed again.

"I'm sure the prefects will deal with it," said Hilda.

In the main hall, the prefects were surrounding George, who was screaming loudly, at her feet was a damp wet bundle of fur, in her hand, which was shaking wildly, was clutched a letter. The remains of a parcel littered the ground.

The hall was rapidly filling with girls, when Dick arrived, liberty bodice flapping madly. He seized the letter from George and read aloud "We have Timmy, get your father and Commander Christie to hand over their latest research or the dog gets it! We enclose Timmy's fur as evidence we have him. If we do not get the research in one week we will cut off his ears!"

"Oh no!" cried Anne.

"I say!" said Dick, "Julian old chap, what do you think we should do?" He looked round, Julian, who had been dosed by Matron, was nowhere to be seen. He patted George ineffectually on the shoulder.

Anne took the letter from his hand, and stared at it thoughtfully.

"How did you get Timmy to island?" she asked.

"He swam here!" sobbed George.

"You made a dog swim all that way?" asked Tom in shock.

"Timmy chose to do it!" said George, still sobbing, "He loves me!"

"Glad somebody does," muttered Bride sotto voce.

"Did he reach the island?" said Tom, a puzzled frown on her boyish face.

"Yes!" wailed George, "And I hid him in a tunnel I found when I pressed the paneling in the Headmistresses study!"

"The secret passage!" cried Elfie, "George must have found it! According to Dickie it has been missing for centuries!"

Mary-Lou was taking no notice of this conversation. She was instead staring as if transfixed by Dick's manly chest. Dick hurriedly hoiked up his liberty bodice. Unfortunately it was a little short. Mary-Lou's eyes moved downwards and she was even more transfixed by her first sight of y fronts.

Whilst everyone was discussing the missing Timmy, Mary-Lou dragged her eyes away from Dick's nether regions and nudged Vi, they both slipped out of the room.

"What is it?" asked Vi.

"I have an idea!" exclaimed Mary-Lou, "I think Juliana is responsible for the kidnap of Timmy the dog!"

"Really?" gasped Vi, "Why?"

"Well, when we sailed to the island, she kept people distracted by being so patronising to Peggy, then, when we got her, she collapsed and vanished!"

"You had clobbered her with your umbrella," replied Vi, "She probably went to Matron after that."

"Yes! And where is Matron's office?"

"Next to Miss Annersley's room!" cried Vi.

"Exactly!" said Mary-Lou, "Juliana had the perfect opportunity to kidnap Timmy."

"Lets check her dormitory for clues!" suggested Vi. Mary-Lou nodded her agreement. The two girls hurried off to Pansy, where, at the door, they stopped and looked at each other in horror.

"What is that noise?" they said in unison.

The noises continued.

"I'm not sure we should go in there," whispered Vi, who was looking worried.

"Don't be silly," replied Mary-Lou, "The school expects us to be strong young women, not spineless jelly fish!" She reached out and silently pushed open the door to the dormitory. An amazing site met their startled eyes.

"Is that... Miss Cochrane?" asked Mary-Lou.

"Um... Looks like it," replied Vi.

"And... Juliana?" said Mary-Lou.

"Er... Yes..." said Vi, "I... er... think we had better go..."

"But what on earth are they doing?" asked Mary-Lou.

"I don't think you should see this," said Vi, grabbing Mary-Lou and trying to forcibly remove her from the dorm.

"What is Cocky doing that for? Is Juliana choking?"

"I don't think it is Miss Cochrane that is cocky," muttered Vi, who had numerous brothers, and various male cousins, so knew a little more about the facts of life than Mary-Lou.

"What one earth is that?" cried Mary-Lou as Juliana turned over.

"Sh*t," said Vi as she dragged Mary-Lou from the room, "This is Marilyn Evens all over again."

In the staffroom Nell Wilson was staring at Matron in horror. "You used what from my lab to dose Juliana with?"

"Those little blue pills,"

"The ones labelled viagra?" asked Nell.

"Yes, I assumed it was a new version of Valium you had been working on."

"No!" cried Nell, "This was something completely different!"

"Errr, has anyone seen Grizel?" asked Hilda, lighting a fresh cigar.

Having managed to drag the shocked Mary-Lou from the dorm, and the sight of Miss Cochrane and Julian, Vi was then faced with the problem of Mary-Lou collapsing into a catatonic state. Eventually she gave up, and shoved her into a near by cupboard. Vi was so busy wrestling with Mary-Lou's body that she failed to notice the suspicious looking figure slipping past her. Locking the cupboard door, Vi chucked the key out of the window and returned to the crowd in the hall.

To Dick's surprise, in the absence of Julian, Anne had taken charge. She was questioning the girls about the secret passage, whilst Dick ineffectually patted George, who was still sobbing over the parcel of fur.

"Dick! George!" said Anne firmly, "We need to go to Miss Annersley's office to explore the secret passage, go and get your torches."

"I say Anne old girl, hadn't we better fetch Julian? He'll know what to do, you are just a girl after all," said Dick.

Silence fell in the hall. Dick realised he was surrounded by girls, all of which were glaring at him.

"And what, exactly do you mean by that?" said the icy tones of Peggy Bettany.

"Well?" demanded Peggy as Dick looked round in horror.

"I... um..." spluttered Dick.

"We are waiting!"

"Its just... my brother Ju... I mean sister Juliana, says that all girls, and Anne in particular...errr... well, want to be good housewives... and um... don't like.... um ..... adventures...um,"

A small figure wriggled to the front, "Your 'sister' Juliana?" asked Vi, with a wicked grin on her face.

"Um... yes..."

At that minute the door opened and a very disheveled Miss Cochrane walked by, slightly bow legged. She headed to the staffroom where she collapsed on the nearest chair, and lit a cigarette.

"Blimey Matron," she said, "What are you putting in your doses nowadays?"


	5. Chapter 5

Luckily for Dick Peggy chose to focus on his reference to Anne, rather than his slip up about Julian.

"Is this true Anne?" she asked, "Do you really want to be a housewife?"

"Of course she does!" spat George suddenly, "Anne doesn't care for adventures, Timmy could be killed for all she cares!"

"I was speaking to Anne," said Peggy, quelling George with a stern glance.

Anne seized her opportunity, "I love adventures," she said, "I want to be a detective when I leave school!"

"Then why do Dickina and Juliana think you want to be housewife?" asked Peggy.

"It's just that I am terribly good at cooking," explained Anne, "And organising houses, I just seem to have a good knack for being a housewife. I keep trying to explain to Julian, but he only hears what he wants to hear."

"He?" said Peggy.

Suddenly a scream rent the air, it came from upstairs.

"To the dormitories!" yelled Tom, leading the charge. They rushed upstairs, ignoring the banging coming from the cupboard containing Mary-Lou.

They burst into Julian's dormitory, where a shocking sight met their eyes. Julian, now clad in a frilly nightie was backed into a corner, as Matron approached him, one of Nell's science textbooks lay open on the floor. Julian was screaming, in her hands Matron was clutching a sharp knife and a scalpel.

"Basic human anatomy," read Bride, she looked at the picture and raised her eyebrows. Suddenly there was a scream and a woof.

"Timmy!" shrieked George, leading the charge out of the dormitory. The barking came from the cupboard containing Mary-Lou. George seized the door handle a pulled, nothing happened, "Who's got the key?" she cried.

"I chucked it out the window," said Vi sheepishly.

"No problem" said Anne, she pulled a hair pin from her head, and expertly picked the lock. The door burst open, and Mary-Lou fell out, as did a bald Timmy, he threw himself on George.

"How did Timmy get in the cupboard with you?" asked Vi, "I locked it securely."

"There is a secret passage!" said Mary-Lou gleefully, then she paused, "What is that dog doing to George?"

"Don't look Mary-Lou!" cried Vi, she covered Mary-Lou's eyes.

Peggy reached into the secret passage; she removed a small plasctic bag labelled 'Viag Version 4'. "I wonder what this is?" she said, "Who can we test it on? Any volunteers?"

Peggy's eyes fell on Dick, "You'll do," she said. Tom seized Dick from behind, Bride held his nose, and Peggy rammed the pill down his throat. As Dick struggled, Tom found her grip loosening, she let go briefly, and then grabbed lower down.

"What the hell is that?" she cried.

"What?" asked Peggy as she rammed his mouth shut to make him swallow the 12 pills she had tipped down his throat.

"In her pants!" cried Tom.

Peggy seized Dick's pants and pulled them down, she took a careful look and shrugged, "Did you never see Marilyn Evans get changed? She had one of those too." Much to Dick's relief she allowed him to pull his y fronts back up, and so restore some of his dignity. "Who is going to stay and keep an eye on Dickina?" asked Peggy looking round, her eyes fell on Mary-Lou and Vi, "I think you two ought to stay here, keep and eye on Dickina, Matron and Juliana, the rest of us are going to explore that secret passage. Anne, lead the way please, George, put that dog down, I'm sure that is not hygienic, come on," and she led them into the passage.

There was a faint groan from Dick.

In the science lab Nell was desperately checking her supplies of Viagra as Hilda lent nonchalantly against the wall smoking a cigar.

"What's the problem Nell," she asked, "What is so special about this viagra?"

"You know that problem Jack Maynard has?" asked Nell, as she removed several packets of blue pills from the fume cupboard.

"Yes,"

"Well, these pills help solve it!" replied Nell, "Oh dear."

"Why 'Oh dear'? That's a good thing surely?" asked Hilda.

"Version 4 is missing," replied Nell, "That is why I said 'oh dear'"

"What's wrong with version 4?"

"Quadruple strength," said Nell, "They keep things going for at least 5 days. Commander Christie tested them for me, he found it very difficult to sit down."

"So that is what you have been working on with him!" laughed Hilda.

"Yes, and another scientist, Quentin Kirrin."

"George's father?" asked Hilda.

"Yep," replied Nell.

Hilda took a drag of her cigar, "And there was me thinking you were having an affaire with Commander Christie!"

"Hilda Tallulah Ermintrude Annersley!" said Nell in shock, "You know I would never trespass on your territory!"

Hilda choked on her cigar, "I'm not having an affaire with Commander Christie," she spluttered.

"Then who are you..." said Nell tailing off.

"Kester Bellever," was the sufficiently startling reply.

Mary-Lou glared at the departing Peggy, "I don't see why we should have to stay and watch Dickina, I want to explore the secret passage too."

"It doesn't matter," replied Vi, eying Dick with interest.

Mary-Lou turned round and looked at Dick, "She's gone very white," she said thoughtfully.

"Yes," said Vi slowly, "It looks like all the blood has drained from her face."

"I wonder where it has gone?" said Mary-Lou stepping closer to Dickina.

Dickina let out a groan and doubled over.

"I think something is happening," said Vi. Both girls were so engrossed in watching Dick that they failed to notice the suspicious looking character slip into the dormitory containing Matron and Julian. There was a muffled thump, as if a highly starched angel wing headdress had been hit with a big stick.

Dickina let out a high pitched scream, and collapsed onto the floor.

"Gosh!" said Mary-Lou. She and Vi were so interested in Dickina that they failed to notice the suspicious looking figure emerge from the dormitory. He disappeared down the corridor.

Dickina was now curled in a ball rocking backwards and forwards, whilst letting out high-pitched yelps.

Dick was now spluttering incoherently, occasionally though, the odd word could be made out.

"Mmmmmmmwemmememmme, bath!" screamed Dick.

"A bath?" said Mary-Lou, "Do these pills make you want to have a bath?"

Vi leant closer to Dick, she was a very pretty girl with golden brown curls, a perfect complexion and purple-blue eyes with dark brows. Her proximity to Dick only seemed to make him scream more.

"Mmmmmmmmmmeeeeewwwwwwwwweeee cold!"

"I think she means she has a cold, should we take her to Matron?" said Vi, stepping closer.

Dick summoned all his resources together and screamed "Cold bath now!"

Realising this was some sort of emergency, Vi and Mary-Lou seized Dick, dragged him to the nearest bathroom, filled the bath with cold water and dropped him in. To their surprise the water immediately began to boil.

"Ice!" shrieked Dick.

The two girls rushed to the door to go and find some ice, but just as Mary-Lou was about to turn the handle they heard footsteps in the corridor.

"Who's that?" whispered Vi.

"I don't know," replied Mary-Lou, moderating her usual clarion tones, "The footsteps sound to heavy to be a member of staff."

The peeped round the door, two suspicious looking men were walking down the corridor talking in low tones, "Blah blah blah nuclear bomb, blah blah blah one tree hill, blah blah blah viagra, blah blah blah Jem Russell, blah blah blah," Between the two men was the prone body of Juliana Kirrin.


	6. Chapter 6

Peggy led the way down the dark passage, closely followed by Anne, George, the bald Timmy, Bride, Dickie, Tom and Elfie.

"What's at the end?" asked George.

"I don't know," replied Peggy sarcastically, "We have never been down here before."

Suddenly a bright light flashed into their eyes.

"Who's there?" demanded a gruff voice.

"Who's that?" demanded Peggy.

"I asked first!" said the gruff voice.

"Oh, sorry, Peggy Bettany and friends, oh, and George Kirrin," replied Peggy politely.

"Arrr, Miss Bettany," replied the voice, "Tis Ebeneezer Biggle here."

"Who?" said George.

"Don't you remember," answered Anne, "The random bloke from the harbour."

"Well, what does he want?" said George.

"I haven't asked him yet," replied Peggy patiently.

"I be looking for the evil men!" said Ebeneezer Biggle.

"Evil men?" repeated the girls in shock.

"Sit yourselves down, and I will tell you all about it!" said Ebeneezer.

The girls sat down expectantly.

"You know a little of the terrible history of this place?" he asked.

"Yes," replied Peggy, "We know about Commander Christie's pirate ancestor."

"Arr, there have been worse than him on this coast!"

"Really?"

"Have you never heard of Eight-toed Nev and his partner in crime, One-nostrilled Frank?"

"Never!" said the assembled girls.

"They were two of the evilest men ever to live on this coast, tis said they hunted babies for sport!"

"Gosh!" said the girls.

"And violated virgins as dessert!"

Silence.

"And their ancestors live here still!" boomed Ebeneezer, his voice echoed down the passage, causing poor Timmy to bark in shock. "What the hell is that?" asked Ebeneezer in more normal tones, "It looks like a skinned rabbit!"

George flew at him in fury, luckily Bride stuck out her foot and tripped her up before she reached the old man. There was a crash as her head hit the wall, and she lay there, still, grey and to all appearance dead, "Sorry about that, do continue," said Bride sweetly.

Ebeneezer looked at Bride in admiration, "Ahh, you be a clever girl," he said, "Come and sit by me while I continue m' tale," Bride sat next to the old man, he clamped a hand firmly on her knee, "I had a little girl like you once," he growled paternally.

"What happened to her?" Anne asked.

"One nostrilled Frank ate her!"

"Errr," said Bride, trying to edge away, but stopped by the hand squeezing her knee.

"Joke," said Ebeneezer.

"Not a funny one," muttered Anne.

"What really happened?" asked Peggy.

"She got married and moved to Burma, but that is not important!" bellowed Ebeneezer, "I need you to help me punish the evil men, one nostrilled Frank and Eight Toed Nev's grandchildren! They are after Miss Wilson's invention!"

"What has Miss Wilson invented that they are after?" asked Peggy eying Ebeneezer worriedly.

"Miss Wilson and Commander Christie have invented a special... pill."

"Viagra?" asked Tom brightly.

"Arr," said Ebeneezer giving Bride's leg a squeeze. "Do you know what it does?"

"Not yet," said Anne, "But we have tested it on my brother Dick."

"Appropriate," muttered Ebeneezer.

"Excuse me, but could you remove your hand from my leg?" asked Bride politely.

"But someone be after it!" boomed Ebeneezer taking no notice. Bride reached down and began to unclasp his fingers one by one.

"Who?" gasped the assembled girls.

There was a groan from George who was slowly returning to consciousness.

"Eight toed Nev and One nostrilled Frank's grandchildren!" said Ebeneezer. Bride finally succeeded in removing his hand.

"Could you give us their names?" asked Peggy.

"Names?" growled Ebeneezer as Bride shuffled away from him.

"Well we can't keep calling them Eight toed Nev and One Nostrilled Frank's grandchildren. It takes forever."

"Huh, alright. Their names be Quentin and Fanny Kirrin!"

"Uncle Quentin and Aunt Fanny?" cried Anne, "But they are married! So they can't both be the grandchildren."

"Married? Is that what they told you?" asked Ebeneezer.

"No!" bellowed Ebenezer, "They be brother and sister!"

"That's sick!" said Anne looking horrified.

"And George is their... Oh my god..." said Peggy.

"No!" bellowed Ebenezer once more, "They pretend to be married and in order to look more like a family they decided to adopt a child."

"George," said Anne in relief.

"Aye, they adopted themselves a son,"

"But George is a girl," said Anne.

"No," cackled Ebenezer, "They adopted a boy, but wanted a girl, so they brought their son up to think he was a girl called Georgina."

George stared blearily up at Ebenezer, "So I'm a boy..." she said slowly.

"Aye,"

"But... how can you tell?" asked George.

"Look in your pants!"

"Certainly not!" said George sitting up in horror.

"Oh for God's sake," said Anne. She bent down and pulled George's skirt up and her pants down and had a look, "Gosh," she said, "Those are the male reproductive organs alright."

"Are you sure?" said Peggy.

"Take a look for yourself," said Anne. Peggy did so.

"Gosh, come and look at this Tom," she said.

One by one the girls took a look, "I always thought they would be bigger," said Bride flicking George's male reproductive organ dismissively.


	7. Chapter 7

"Didn't you realise when we studied reproduction in Science at Gaylands?" asked Anne as George pulled his pants up.

"Timmy was sick that day so I missed the lesson." He paused, "I'm a boy?"

"Yes," replied Peggy.

"Really and truly?"

"Yes," said Peggy again.

"Right," said George standing up, "Where's Julian?"

"We are not sure, why?"

"Because I am going to find him, and I am going to hit him. Dick too."

"Why?"

"All these years he has said I can't fight because I am a girl, well, I'm a boy and I am going to teach him a lesson he will never forget!"

"Go George!" cried Anne.

George set off down the passage at the run.

"I wish he had paused to pull his pants up," murmured Peggy.

"He is also running in the wrong direction," added Tom thoughtfully.

"How long before he falls over?" asked Dickie, "Bets anyone?"

"Too late," said Anne as a crash echoed back to them.

Suddenly there was a high pitched scream, the girls spun round to see Bride land a punch on Ebenezer Biggle's nose.

"He grabbed my bum," said Bride.

"Fine," said Peggy.

Ebenezer staggered back, "Are you not going to help me stop the evil men?" he said, giving Bride a wide berth.

"Help you?" asked Peggy, "No, we are going to solve the mystery ourselves."

"You weirdo," added Dickie.

"Let's go and find Miss Wilson," suggested Tom, "then we can ask her about this viagra of hers."

"You can't be doing this yourself!" cried Ebenezer, "You be but girls! Most of you, anyway."

The girls turned to face him. "I think you will find we can cope," said Peggy icily and drawing back her fist, she socked him one, right in the jaw. Turning round, she led the girls back up the passage, carefully making sure she stood on George's head as she passed. The other girls happily followed suit.

"Where first?" asked Bride.

"I think we need a little chat with Dick, to see how the viagra has affected him, then a quiet word with Julian, and then a word or two in passing with Miss Wilson," replied Peggy.

However, when the reached the dormitory they could find no trace of Julian, and from the bathroom where Mary-Lou and Vi had taken Dick there came the sound of hysterical giggling, and yowls of pain, which seemed to happen after each time Mary-Lou was heard to shriek excitedly "Hit it again Vi! Go on! Really punch it this time!"

Peggy cautiously pushed open the door and peeped inside. Mary-Lou and Vi had Dick backed into a corner, and judging from the frequency of vibration, Vi had just hit Dick in the male reproductive parts. "Your go," she said cheerfully to Mary-Lou.

"I'm not sure I actually want to touch it," said Mary-Lou uncertainly.

"Use your hockey stick then," said Vi.

Mary-Lou picked up the hockey stick and took careful aim.

"Stop!" cried Peggy bursting in on them, but it was too late, Mary-Lou, a terrifying centre forward, had swung the stick at Dick, it bounced off and embedded itself in the wall just above Peggy's head although there seemed to be no response from Dick's parts.

"Gosh, sorry Peggy," gasped Mary-Lou.

"Good god," said Peggy, observing Dick closely, "How long has he been like this?"

"Ever since you made him take the viagra," said Vi cheerfully, "I think we have found out what it does."

"I'll say," muttered a wide eyed Elfie as she peered over the top of Peggy's head, neatly avoiding the hockey stick, "How do you make it go down?"

"We have been trying," said Vi indicating the hockey stick.

"We can't take him out like that," said Peggy, "Lets get him dressed."

"And has anyone got any gaffer tape?" asked Tom.

Peggy turned to her in suprise, "What for?"

Tom nodded to Dick, "The way that is looking we will need to stick it to his stomach to keep it from knocking people out!"

Looking slightly shifty Dickie Christie reached into her gym knickers and pulled out some gaffer tape and a large knife, which she handed to Tom, who advanced on Dick.

"Why?" asked Peggy, taking a discreet step away from Dickie.

Dickie shrugged, "You never know when it is going to come in handy when you are dealing with the Middles," she said.

"Like now," said Mary-Lou happily as she assisted Tom in taping Dick up.

Once dressed, although still incapable of speech, the girls led Dick out of the bathroom in search of Julian.

"Have you any idea where he was taken?" asked Peggy after Vi had explained about the two dodgy men who had dragged Julian away.

"Why don't we look in all the rooms as we pass?" suggested Anne. They duly followed this eminently sensible suggestion, and in the second room they looked in they found Matron tied up and gagged. After a short discussion the girls decided to leave her there and moved on.

The next room contained the trussed up figure of Julian, he was gagged and wearing a wincyette nightie. Once they had finished laughing the girls condescended to removing the gag from his mouth in order to question him.

"I say girls," was the first thing Julian said, "You must release me so I can lead the discovery of what is going on. You need a man to take charge."

Once again the girls fell about laughing.

"I don't see what is so funny," said Julian crossly, "I am a boy after all."

"Actually are we sure he is a boy?" said Elfie, "I mean, after what happened with George, it wouldn't surprise me if Julian then turned out to be a girl."

"How do we find out?" asked Mary-Lou innocently.

"Have a look under his nightie," grinned Elfie.

"Whose going to look?" asked Peggy.

"I will," said Bride cheerfully, and stepped forward and pulled Julian's nightie up. After a few minutes careful inspection, as Julian protested angrily, she lowered the nightie. "He's a boy," she said, "But it's kind of small, so I had to look rather carefully."

"Now listen here..." began Julian, trying to gather the tattered threads of his dignity around him.

"No!" Anne stepped forward, "You listen to us, you patronising git."

"I say Anne, what's happened to you? No man will want to marry you if you carry on this way," said Julian interrupting her.

"That's it!" bellowed Anne, "Mary-Lou, give me your hockey stick!"

Mary-Lou obligingly handed it over.

Taking careful aim, Anne swung the stick and smacked him in the crotch as hard as she could.

"Will," she said, taking aim again.

"You," she said swinging the stick up in the air.

"Stop bloody telling me I want to get married," and the stick came down for a second time and smacked him in the crotch again.

The assembled girls let out a cheer. They then grabbed the curled up and sobbing Julian and dragged him out of the room. "Now for Miss Wilson," said Peggy, but as they walked round the corner the were confronted by Fanny and Quentin Kirrin.


	8. Chapter 8

“Stop right there!” bellowed Uncle Quentin.

Aunt Fanny cracked her knuckles threateningly.

Peggy looked at Uncle Quentin thoughtfully, “We have been hearing all about you from Ebenezer Biggle, we know who you are, and I suggest you give up now, you’re outnumbered.”

“Puh! You are just a bunch of schoolgirls,” sneered Uncle Quentin, “You can’t stop us.”

Peggy held out her hand, “Just pass me the hockey stick please Anne.”

Uncle Quentin’s sneer was wiped off his face as Peggy brought the stick down on his head. She turned to Aunt Fanny who was slowly backing away. Peggy grinned. Aunt Fanny turned and fled, however her progress was halted by the fact that she ran straight into George and Timmy who running towards her. George lept over the body of her erstwhile mother and punched Dick on the nose, she followed this up by head butting Julian.

“I think I could get to like George after all,” said Tom.

“Pick up the bodies,” ordered Peggy and having made sure her order was obeyed she led the way to the staffroom. She knocked on the door politely and waited.

In the staffroom as wall chaos. Hilda was desperately trying to eat her cigar, Nell was chucking the empties out of the window with scant care for the juniors below. Dolly Edwards and Gillian Linton desperately tried to pack away the poker game and Mdlle hurriedly pulled her knickers back on.

Peggy knocked again.

The staff looked at each other and round the room, Nell nodded at Hilda, “All clear,” she said.

“Come in!” called Hilda. The girls took her at her word and they all trooped in.

Mary-Lou looked around in disappointment, “I always thought there would be a bar,” she said as she gazed round the room in which the staff were busily at work marking books and planning lessons.

The staff of the Chalet School looked shiftily at each other, and resumed their marking.

"May I help you?" cooed Hilda.

"We have come to report some strange happenings," said Peggy, and she gestured to her fellow pupils who dropped the still stunned bodies of Aunt Fanny and Uncle Quentin onto the floor.

Unfortunately the pressure of the bodies activated the secret floor board which in turn activated the black board, which swung open to reveal a well stocked bar.

"There is is!" cried Mary-Lou happily, "I knew it wasn't a myth."

Hilda hurriedly shut the black board and turned back to Peggy. "Explain please," she said crisply (which was a lot more reassuring than her cooing).

Peggy explained. The staff listened, nodded, and when appropriate let out a low whistle, or an 'Ooooh'. At the end of the explanation Hilda called the police who arrived promptly and took the errant Fanny and Quentin away to spend a considerable amount of time at Her Majesties Pleasure.

"Well," said Nell, turning to the girls, "I think some sort of reward must be in order. How about I speak to Karen in the kitchen and get her to rustle up some juicey tomatoes to be served with lashings of ginger beer?"

"Bugger that," replied Anne. "Get the bar open and we will all have some gin."


End file.
